Some people say that they’re “weird”. Honestly, to me this is crap. Saying that you’re “weird” is convincing others that you’re normal, because that’s what almost everyone says all the time. It’s, like, the more bad things you say about yourself, the more so-called “pity” you collect (though it’s more like reassurance that you’re just like everyone else), the more you convince yourself you’re different, and the more popularity you gain. Do you really think that most people obsess over hair and makeup, talking in that voice impression you’ve created? Do you not think other people delight in talking about the weird, the irregular, the downright stupid?
Well, I’m not insulting anyone. Being normal is great. You never need to worry. I’ve been there. But these days, I feel different. I feel like nobody else does what I do. I think there’s something wrong with me, but when I try to drop subtle hints, people just laugh and repeat what I just said like it’s a joke. I enjoy spending lunch reading in the bathroom. That way nobody sees me, and there’s no pressure to socialize or have to deal with the awkwardness that comes with not knowing what to say. I can read a book with the assurance that nobody’s judging me. I’m a quiet person by nature, and my “normal” side, my real person, only comes out when I talk with my sister, my best friend. Sure, I have friends in school, but I usually just talk to them in class. I don’t know what I would say all lunch hour, because I seem to run out of things to talk about after about 5 minutes in every conversation, and it just spirals into an awkward silence.
I think maybe it’s because I have low self-confidence. Sometimes I can force my brain into “happy periods”, where I convince myself I’m smart and nice and funny because I have grades other people dream of and musical talent. These only last several hours at most, then I’m back into the deep, dark hole of negative thoughts. Is that normal, or is it weird? You, invisible, imaginary readers, you comment and tell me. Until next post, if there will be one.
